Sister Bonnie Oscarson, American Fork Utah West Stake Women's Conference, February 2016

  Discover the Divinity Within

Confidence to Live the Lord’s Commandments

Sister Bonnie Oscarson, Young Women’s General President

American Fork Utah West Stake Women’s Conference

February 9, 2016

·       The doctrine that we are literal daughters of our Heavenly Father and that each of us has a divine nature and unlimited eternal potential is one of our most unique and beloved doctrines. We sing it, we repeat it, and we teach it almost daily.

·       Why do we as women seem to struggle with this principle [of self worth]? We seem to have no problem believing that every other woman around us is a beloved daughter of God, but we have a hard time seeing ourselves as capable, dependable, or even good enough. We tend to compare our worst faults with others’ best characteristics!

·       What is the answer? How can we begin to allow ourselves to see ourselves as God sees us?

Too many of us are taking our clues about who we are from the wrong source. We are looking to the world to tell us if we are good enough. We are surrounded by movies showing impossibly skinny and glamorous actresses with flawless skin and million dollar smiles.  We pick up magazines that show models who have been electronically slimmed down, elongated, and airbrushed to point they would have a hard time recognizing themselves. We spend time online looking at Instagram, Pinterest, and other social media sites in which our friends put only their best and most cheery foot forward and we compare the reality of our lives with their rosy postings of perfection. No wonder we sometimes feel we are somehow lacking or can never measure up to the standards we feel the world has set for us as young women, sisters, women, and mothers.

What I am concerned about is the balance in our lives of the kind of messages that tell us who we are. Too often we are taking cues about our abilities, our worth, our potential for doing good completely from social media and we are not balancing it out with messages from our leaders.

“We need women with the gift of discernment who can view the trends in the world and detect those that, however popular, are shallow or dangerous.”

Today, let me add that we need women who know how to make important things happen by their faith and who are courageous defenders of morality and families in a sin-sick world. We need women who are devoted to shepherding God’s children along the covenant path toward exaltation; women who know how to receive personal revelation, who understand the power and peace of the temple endowment; women who know how to call upon the powers of heaven to protect and strengthen children and families; women who teach fearlessly.

…we need women who have a bedrock understanding of the doctrine of Christ and who will use that understanding to teach and help raise a sin-resistant generation. We need women who can detect deception in all of its forms. We need women who know how to access the power that God makes available to covenant keepers and who express their beliefs with confidence and charity. We need women who have the courage and vision of our Mother Eve.”

Do you recognize the words of President Russell M. Nelson from last October’s Conference talk, “A Plea to My Sisters”?

·       Balance the sources of your messages that you allow to come into your life each day. We choose what we let into our minds and hearts. Take time daily to read from the scriptures, to listen to a conference talk, or read the Ensign. Look for the messages which our Heavenly Father has for you. He wants you to understand these things about yourself.

·       The greatest evidence which we have that we are valued, loved, and cherished by our Heavenly Father, is His Son Jesus Christ. He sent his beloved and perfect Son to live in this sin-filled world as a mortal man, to lead the way by His perfect example, and most of all to suffer unimaginable pain for each of us. Jesus Christ atoned for our sins. And Heavenly Father allowed His Son to die for you and for me. That same Son would three days later, overcome death and become the first person to be resurrected so that WE could someday overcome death and live with our families forever. 

What greater evidence is there in the universe that God loves and values each and every one of us than the gift of His Son Jesus Christ to the world?

·       Once you know you are an eagle, will you ever be content to scratch in the dirt eating bugs with the other chickens? You were each born to succeed not fail.  You were each born to soar and be a shining example to those around you. You were each born to attain greatness—not according to the definition of the world, but according to the how your Heavenly Father defines greatness. 

·       It just happens to be our youth theme this year: 2 Nephi 31:20:

“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.”

·        Greatness and worth in the eyes of the Lord has more to do with obedience, love of God and our fellowman, service, scripture study, prayer, understanding the Atonement and making it function in our lives, and doing all these things steadfastly—throughout our lives. It has nothing to do with social standing, wealth, our physical attractiveness, or worldly success.

·       We are motivated to do all these things, to keep trying and to exercise faith in the Savior, in the prophet, and in the organization because we know who we are and what is at stake for ourselves and for our families. We understand our identity, our place in the Father’s plan for us, and we know what we are supposed to do.

·       Why is it so hard to always make good choices about how we spend our time, what we read or watch and how we treat one another?

Because the world is full of distractions!!

1. Temptation. The world is loud, flashy, appealing, it looks like everyone is having fun, and there are no apparent consequences for behavior that we have been taught is wrong—at least in the world’s eyes.

2. Adversity: The world is also full of challenges and trials that are a part of mortal life. I don’t know of anyone, myself included, whose life has gone exactly like I thought it would. Trials are an important and necessary part of this mortal experience. We are here to learn and grow by dealing with adversity and trials. We shouldn’t be so surprised by them!

3. False philosophies of the world. We are inundated with information, with social messages, with devices that connect us to thoughts, opinions, commentary, and social interchanges---constantly! Your youth—your children are growing up in this media messaging saturated world! It is not going away and it is not going to get any easier to protect us or our families from ideas and philosophies that foster doubt rather than build faith. 

·       There has never been more of a need for quality teaching in your homes. FHE, scripture study, family prayer, taking advantage of every informal teaching moment. Your children need to understand that the answers to most of the difficult questions can be found in understanding Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness. Are you teaching your children about the plan of Salvation? Do they understand the Doctrine of Christ?

·       Teach your children to ask questions in faith, not doubt. (Marcus Nash)

• ·         Deliberate parenting. BYU Today magazine article on what things I learned while at BYU. One mother, Brooke Olsen Romney from Kaysville, wrote:

“As a mother of four wild boys, I wondered how to help them reach their potential in a world that seems obsessed with entertainment and fun. The most fulfilling relationships are not the ones based on constant fun together but ones where we have worked, laughed, loved, and struggles together.

This year, we will no longer ask our kids if they had fun. We will instead ask,

·       ‘Did you learn or create something?’

·       ‘Did you try your best?’

·       ‘Were you a good friend?’

·       ‘Did you make the world better, in even a small way?’

·       [I have learned how] to live so that each day the answer to at least one of these questions is, “Yes!” Now I want to give my kids the same gift, because that’s when life gets really fun.”   (BYU Today, Summer 2014)

All of your life you have been singing, saying, and reading, “I Am a Child of God.” Do you really believe it?

There is evidence all around you.

·       The scriptures teach us who we really are and what our relationship is with our Heavenly Father.

·       The Atonement of Jesus Christ is evidence of our worth. It was done for you.

·       Balance where you choose to receive the messages of who you are. Spend as much time in the scriptures and listening to conference message as you do online or on watching TV.

Knowing who you are, should help you make wise decisions in your life and help you know how to protect and teach your children to make good choices.

The world is full of distractions: temptations and evil, challenges and adversity, and false philosophies that lead to doubt. We have been given wonderful tools to help us keep our faith strong, keep us focused on the important things in life, and to teach and protect our children.

CHALLENGE: What is one new thought you have had this evening as you have listened that you need to put into effect in our life? Write it down. Decide what you will do about it. 

Ward Conference, March 13, 2016

Today was our ward conference and we had the opportunity to have our Stake Relief Society President, Paula Cox, teach our lesson in Relief Society. In keeping with our stake theme, she taught from the The Family: A Proclamation to the World. 

Sister Cox challenged each sister in our Relief Society to take the time to really study the Proclamation. Read it, ponder the messages, and ask what each of us can do individually to gain a stronger testimony of these principles and how to better apply them to our individual lives and families. 

In these days and times, there is no need for us to be confused about what to believe or what voices to follow. The Lord has given us clear direction and guidance through his living Prophet, apostles, and scriptures. The Proclamation is a wonderful tool and gift provided by the Lord to give us understanding and peace. 

Whatever our current situation, we have each been called to be examples and defenders of the family as defined by the Lord. In her April 2015 talk at the General Women's session of conference, Sister Bonnie Oscarson spoke about the important role each of us play in "helping to build the kingdom of God by standing up boldly and being defenders of marriage, parenthood, and the home." Sister Oscarson goes on to say, 

"Each of us has a part to play in the plan, and each of us is equally valued in the eyes of the Lord. We should remember that a loving Heavenly Father is aware of our righteous desires and will honor His promises that nothing will be withheld from those who faithfully keep their covenants. I would like to issue a challenge for all of us as women of the Church to be defenders of “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.”  We need to boldly defend the Lord’s revealed doctrines describing marriage, families, the divine roles of men and women, and the importance of homes as sacred places—even when the world is shouting in our ears that these principles are outdated, limiting, or no longer relevant. Everyone, no matter what their marital circumstance or number of children, can be defenders of the Lord’s plan described in the family proclamation. If it is the Lord’s plan, it should also be our plan!"

Please consider the importance of the following sacred principle from the Proclamation...
"Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ."

Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. … [Imagine that] the Savior is positioned at the apex of [a] triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily ‘come unto Christ’ and strive to be ‘perfected in Him’ (Moroni 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and the woman come closer together.” (See the June 2006 Ensign magazine for the article this quote was taken from.)

The visiting teaching message from the February 2016 Ensign also has some wonderful thoughts and messages on this principle of founding our marital relationships upon the teachings of Jesus Christ. 
It is important to remember that we should continually be striving and working on changing ourselves, not trying to force change on our spouses. 
What has worked in our marriages to help strengthen and protect this sacred relationship?

• Set good examples for each other.
• Choose to actively look for and celebrate the good in each other.
• Be intentional in our desires to have strong relationships and marriages. Don't just leave it to chance.
• Remember we are setting examples for our sons and daughters of marriage and strong relationships.
• Praise each other, compliment the good they do.

Watch the Mormon Message video entitled "Expressions of Love".

We are each important members of so many families that need our example, love, strength, support and help. Remember our immediate families, our extended families, ward families, neighborhood families...look all around us and seek for ways to be a force for good in strengthening and blessing others. 

Marriage and Family Lesson, March 6, 2016

This year our stake is focusing on the theme of "Marriage and Family". As a part of this focus, we have been asked during the course of the year to devote 4 Relief Society lessons to specific topics within this theme. For our first "Marriage and Family" lesson, Bishop Franson asked us to focus on the following quote taken from the Proclamation on the Family. It reads:

"Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity."

We would encourage you to take some time to read and ponder the scriptures, articles, and comments below that were shared with regards to this lesson and topic. As you do so, please know you are loved. Please know that our stake presidency, bishopric, and Relief Society presidency are aware of you and the wide diversity in our individual marital and family situations. Above all else, we sincerely pray you will feel the Lord's tender awareness of you and that the Spirit will teach each of us what we need to learn and know regarding this topic. All of us our defenders of the family and the sanctity of the marriage relationship. Each of us has been affected by these relationships and can testify to why they are so important. Sister Bonnie Oscarson, General Young Women's President, shared the following during her April 2015 talk at the General Women's Meeting: 

Each of us has a part to play in the plan, and each of us is equally valued in the eyes of the Lord. We should remember that a loving Heavenly Father is aware of our righteous desires and will honor His promises that nothing will be withheld from those who faithfully keep their covenants.

Heavenly Father has a mission and plan for each of us, but He also has His own timetable. One of the hardest challenges in this life is to have faith in the Lord's timing. It's a good idea to have an alternative plan in mind, which helps us to be covenant-keeping, charitable, and righteous women who build the kingdom of God no matter which way our lives go. We need to teach our daughters to aim for the ideal but plan for contingencies.

During this 20th anniversary year of the family proclamation, I would like to issue a challenge for all of us as women of the Church to be defenders of "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." We need to boldly defend the Lord's revealed doctrines describing marriage, families, the divine roles of men and women, and the importance of homes as sacred places--even when the world is shouting in our ears that these principles are outdated, limiting, or no longer relevant.

Everyone, no matter what their marital circumstance or number of children, can be defenders of the Lord's plan described in the family proclamation. If it is the Lord's plan, it should also be our plan.”

Why is marriage between a man and woman ESSENTIAL to God’s eternal plan?

“Two of the vital pillars that sustain Father in Heaven’s plan of happiness are marriage and the family. Their lofty significance is underscored by Satan’s relentless efforts to splinter the family and to undermine the significance of temple ordinances, which bind the family together for eternity. The temple sealing has greater meaning as life unfolds. It will help you draw ever closer together and find greater joy and fulfillment in mortality.” (Richard G. Scott,“The Eternal Blessings of Marriage”, April 2011)

Why are children ENTITLED to birth within the bonds of matrimony? Why does this make any difference?

(The following information was taken from an article published in the August 2005 Ensign entitled "Strengthening the Family: Within the Bonds of Matrimony")

·        The word bond has many meanings, including “a covenant,” “a uniting force,” and “an adhesive that combines, unites, and strengthens.” The bonds of matrimony are bonds of love uniting two people in a covenant relationship that strengthens them and gives them a higher purpose. In this sense, these bonds liberate men and women to reach their full eternal potential.

·        Research by family scholars supports the Church’s position. A recent publication compares children of single or cohabiting parents with children of married parents. While single parents often succeed in rearing well-adjusted, responsible children, the report concludes that, taken as a whole, children who live with married parents are less likely to divorce or become unwed parents themselves, are less likely to experience poverty, tend to have higher grades, are more likely to attend college, and experience lower rates of unemployment. On average, children of married parents also experience better physical and mental health, have lower rates of substance abuse, experience less child abuse, and are less likely to commit suicide or engage in criminal behavior. Parents can give children no greater gift than the example of a strong, loving marriage.

What does it mean to “honor marital vows with complete fidelity”?

(The following information was taken from an article in the September 2009 Ensign titled, "Fidelity in Marriage: It's More Than You Think". It was written by Kenneth W. Matheson, a professor in the school of social work at BYU.)

*Definition of fidelity:

1.strict observance of promises, duties, etc.

2.loyalty

3.conjugal faithfulness

4.      faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief, demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support

EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY: When emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse.

·        Doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing.

·        Relationships with others of the opposite sex are not in and of themselves a problem or a fracture of fidelity. In fact, many of our meaningful relationships with neighbors, Church friends, co-workers, and others have a balanced and important place in our lives. However, there is a danger zone that people may cross into if they are not watchful.

PHYSICAL INFIDELITY

SPIRITUAL FIDELITY:

·        This phrase underscores the seriousness of the choices we make because it recognizes the eternal potential of our marital relationships as well as the importance of acting in accordance with the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

·        Spiritual fidelity also causes us to consider the sacred covenants we have made in the temple and how the very nature of our thoughts and deeds can undermine those covenants. In other words, if a person is unfaithful spiritually he is not honoring his temple covenants even though he has not committed physical acts of intimacy.

·        Matthew 5:27-28: whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

·        1 Thessalonians 5:22: Abstain from appearance of evil

·        Alma 12:12-15, thoughts and words must be pure because we shall be judged for our thoughts as well as our actions, good or ill

·        2 Nephi 9:39, to be carnally minded is death but to be spiritually minded is life eternal

·        Mosiah 4:30, watch your thoughts, words, deeds and observe commandments, continue in faith---o remember, remember!

·        When a spouse has developed a relationship that compromises his or her spiritual fidelity, he or she should be humble and take the necessary steps to restore the marital relationship. Fasting, prayer, temple attendance, scripture study, and pondering the Lord’s teachings are essential in helping one remain pure and true to one’s spouse and in healing the relationship.

·        In situations such as these, spouses should remember that change is not easy and that neither spouse can change the other person. Instead, spouses can commit to making changes in their individual behavior. They can also commit to seeking the Lord’s help through the power of the Atonement in order to become their best selves, for their own sakes and for the sake of their spouses.

·        It is helpful to focus on a spouse’s strengths rather than on their deficiencies. Our first concern should be the changes we personally need to make in our own actions and attitudes.

·        “If you are married, are you faithful to your spouse mentally as well as physically? Are you loyal to your marriage covenants by never engaging in conversation with another person that you wouldn’t want your spouse to overhear? Are you kind and supportive of your spouse and children?” (Robert D. Hales)

Take a moment to search and answer the following questions during your scripture study: 

1) What examples do we find in the scriptures regarding the blessings of marital fidelity? What characteristics exemplify their relationship?

2) What examples do we find in the scriptures of those who experienced marital infidelity? What are some of the consequences of these choices?

      Elder Robert D.Hales has said:

“...none of us marry perfection; we marry potential. The right marriage is not only about what I want; it’s also about what she—who’s going to be my companion—wants and needs me to be.”

I sent out an email on Saturday asking sisters to reflect on the following questions:

1) In your experience, what elements are necessary between a man and woman to have a "good" marriage or relationship? How would you define a "successful" marriage?

2) What are the things that can ruin, tear down, or destroy a marriage or harm a relationship? 

3) What have you found personally to be the best ways to strengthen a relationship/marriage? 

4) What does the phrase "to honor marital vows with complete fidelity" mean to you? 

I received the following beautiful responses and wanted to share these thoughts.

Michele Carnesecca: 

“I have a simple thought that has been a great visual for me in my marriage.  If you picture a triangle, the husband is at the bottom left point, the wife is at the bottom right point of the triangle and the Savior is at the top point.  As the husband and wife come closer to the Savior, they invariably become closer to each other.  It doesn’t mean they are perfect, but it means that they are striving to be like Christ, repent of wrongdoings, forgive freely and try to be like the Savior.  Just a thought.” (Michele Carnesecca)

Amy Reid:

*I think good marriages have good communication between the spouses, the two people look for the good in each other and build each other up, and they are best friends as well as romanticly attracted and intimate with each other. They also have common goals. I think successful marriages in an eternal sense must have the Savior as part of their marriage--Christ can help both partners forgive each other and repent, build unity and unconditional love, and provide an example for both to follow.

*Satan LOVES to tear down marriages! It's his favorite thing to spend his time and energy doing because marriage is so critical to our Heavenly Father's plan, and he hates that! If he destroys our marriage, everything else can easily crumble.  He destroys marriage by encouraging us to find fault with one another, to be slow to forgive, to be too prideful to repent. In modern times he is trying to have us busy ourselves with so many mundane tasks that we lose sight of priorities and we don't nurture our marriage. 

Also, Satan LOVES to have us think that if marriage is hard at times, we should just quit! That's what he's leading the entire world to believe--that it's no big deal to quit when things get hard.

*Ted and I strive to go on weekly dates very regularly. For us, it has really strengthened our marriage since we were newlyweds. With 5 children, we need the weekly dates now more than ever! We have fun together, we laugh, we cry, we nurture our love for each other, we remember why we got into this relationship in the first place, we discuss goals and spiritual thoughts, we share our testimonies, and on and on!  I cannot emphasize enough how crucial weekly dates have been for us!

We also regularly set goals together. Sometimes it is about our food storage, sometimes about buying a new house, or working on parenting together, or supporting one another in our callings, etc. Currently, Ted & I are taking a Dave Ramsey finance class every Friday evening together and we have set goals together to follow God's counsel to get out of debt and be prepared financially for what may come. 

Also, we constantly look for little ways we can ease each other's burdens and strengthen each other. For example, yesterday, when I was having one of THOSE days (the kind when you want to make a blanket fort and hide in it all day!), Ted brought a big dr. pepper in to me at school and left me the sweetest little note on a post=it note on my desk, telling me how much he loved me and that he was praying that my day would get better. How could I not smile and carry on after that??  How could I not just love his unselfish gesture and realize he's in it forever--the good, the bad, and the ugly?  And today, Ted really needed a break from the noisy, active, needy kids, so I took care of them for several hours so Ted could work on projects for our home in the garage with music playing and saws whirring. He came inside with a big smile on and renewed energy, and I felt so happy for him that he felt renewed and fulfilled. It's the little everyday things that can make a difference between being "roommates" and being best friends and eternal companions.

*I think it means treating that other person with utmost respect, never emotionally or physically abusing the other in any way. I also believe that it means that we always talk about the other with love and respect, even (and especially) when the other spouse is not present. It means not stepping even a toe into a "gray area" in our thoughts or actions that might lead our spouse to feel insecure, suspicious, or hurt. I believe it also means again to include Christ equally yoked in our marriage and to actively use his gift of atonement to keep the covenants we made at the alter binding."

Aimee Tubbs:

 “I have been teaching the Mia Maid classes at the ward conferences on the importance of strengthening families.  As I read your email, a quote from a video entitled, "Families Can Be Together Forever" came to my mind. So I thought I'd share it.

   President Eyring (about halfway through the video) - "He [meaning Heavenly Father] has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as he loves. That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is."

I love it when he says it in the video. It's very powerful to me.

His words have just really struck me and made me realize that a great purpose for having a family is to learn how to love as God and the Savior loves.  It makes me re evaluate how I"m doing in love when I ponder on my family relationships. I notice that I have some work to do in my learning to love.  It is good to love others but really I can start by practicing love within the walls of my home and with my extended family.  And I can use the family setting to teach my children. To say, "practice now how you want to treat your future spouse and your future children by how you treat your siblings and other family members now." If they are selfish or jealous with their siblings, how will they be with a spouse? It's a good time to practice, and practice denotes a sense of time. Practice isn't a one time event and its learned, mastery comes with time and repetition. Continually correcting the mistakes and fine tuning the skills."

Jan Hamner:

 Question 1 .  Respect; friendship; common interests and values; communication; trust; appreciation; affection; forgiveness.  Leave room for each of you to grow.  Love is shown in different ways and forms; learn to recognize when and how you are being shown love.  Most important thing in your lives is the marriage.

Question 2.

Reverse of any of the above.  Belittling each other in any form.

Question 3.  Working through problems together.   Don't go to sleep angry.  Communicate, communicate, communicate!

Take family time; take alone together time.  

Question 4.  No affairs; no pornography

 The following video is a beautiful illustration of the tender love and strength that can be found within the sacred bonds of marriage:

ENDURING LOVE

As a Relief Society Presidency, we bear testimony of these sacred truths. No marriage is perfect...not one! Each of us struggle and each of us has to work hard. We know we have women whose hearts have been broken and whose families have suffered. The Lord wants each of us to be happy. He has given us these principles to help us find joy...he has also given us resources to rely upon when things may not be going exactly as we had planned. You have a Father in Heaven and a Savior who stand ready to listen, help, bless, and guide. You have extended family, good friends, a wonderful bishop, visiting teachers, and a Relief Society presidency who want to help. Please do not be afraid to reach out and seek help if you are seeking answers. The things in life that mean the most to us are those things we truly have worked the hardest for...and continue to work towards. Trust in the Lord's promises and timing. Trust in your spouse. Trust in the relationships you have invested time and energy...and trust the Lord has the potential to bless those relationships as you continue to work together.